Long-Distance Parenting & Secure Attachment (Part 2)
Parenting is full of little moments that shape our children’s sense of security and connection. These small, intentional rituals - whether a bedtime story, a secret handshake, or a simple drawing on a fogged up window - become powerful symbols of love and consistency.
For me, one of these rituals happens every time I drop my son off. If there's frost or condensation on the car window, I draw a simple happy face and a moon - a nod to his favourite book, Papa Moon. If I ever forget, he’s quick to remind me: "Moon, moon!" Then there’s our "bugga bugga" - a nose rub inspired by Daniel Tiger’s Neighborhood. These tiny traditions reassure him that no matter how short our time together feels, he knows I’ll always be back.
Why Small Rituals Matter
These small moments may seem trivial, but they build emotional security over time. Repetition and predictability tell a child: You are safe. You are loved. You can count on me. And as parents, these rituals help us stay present, finding joy even in the mundane.
At dropoffs, I make an effort to be warm and upbeat, even if my heart aches a little. Because children don’t just hear our words - they feel our energy. If we’re anxious or sad during goodbyes, they pick up on it. That’s why I make sure to smile, to exude confidence, to model security rather than uncertainty.
The Guilt of Separation: How to Navigate It
For many parents, it’s hard to watch their child form strong attachments outside the home - whether with another caregiver, a teacher, or even a friend. There's often an underlying guilt, an instinctive worry: What if they love someone else more than me?
But here’s the truth: A child’s attachment to another caregiver isn’t a rejection of you. It’s a sign of emotional security. Children thrive when they have multiple sources of love and support.
That said, it's common for parents to unintentionally project their own insecurities onto their child. If a child sees hesitation or sadness in your face during a transition, they might start to question their own feelings: Wait, I was excited to see my teacher… but if Daddy looks upset, maybe I shouldn’t be so happy?
A simple strategy to reinforce positive attachment is verbal matchmaking - helping your child recognize the joy of their connections:
“Did you see how excited Miss Lisa was to see you? She loves your stories!”
“Wow, Hannah Banana missed you over the weekend! She couldn’t wait to see you today.”
By affirming their bonds, we teach them that love isn’t limited - it multiplies.
Can a Child Have Multiple Secure Attachments?
Absolutely. A child can have a secure attachment with both parents, extended family, caregivers, and even teachers. What matters isn’t the number of attachments but the quality - a child needs to feel truly known and valued by those around them.
This doesn’t mean daycare is a threat to parental attachment. Some families choose to avoid childcare, and that’s okay. Others rely on it, and that’s okay too. The key is consistency and emotional attunement - making the most of the time you do have with your child.
Rebuilding Attachment: Is It Ever Too Late?
What if you weren’t present during the early years? Can attachment be repaired later?
The short answer: Yes.
The early years (especially the first three) lay the foundation for attachment, but the brain remains adaptable. While early bonds create an imprint - like the first fold in a piece of paper—new experiences can reshape attachment patterns.
Two key life stages provide extra opportunities for attachment repair:
Adolescence - As teens seek independence, they also crave deep emotional connection. Being present and engaged during this phase can strengthen bonds.
Parenthood - When adults become parents themselves, their own attachment patterns resurface. This is a critical time for self-reflection and healing.
For parents who missed the early years, rebuilding attachment requires patience, consistency, and intentional bonding. The goal is to create safe, predictable interactions that reassure your child: I’m here. I see you. I care.
How to Maintain Strong Bonds
For parents separated by work, divorce, or travel, staying connected takes creativity. Some practical ways to maintain attachment include:
Record Read-Alouds - Send voice recordings of yourself reading your child’s favorite book. Hearing your voice before bed can be incredibly comforting.
Facetime Rituals - Make video calls interactive. Instead of just talking, do activities together—play a game, read a story, or share a meal over the screen.
Shared Projects - Start a drawing and mail it to your child to finish. Write letters back and forth, even if they’re too young to write - pictures count too!
Symbolic Books - The Invisible String by Patrice Karst beautifully explains how love connects us across any distance. Reading books like this together reinforces emotional security.
The key is intentionality. It’s not about grand gestures—it’s about small, consistent reminders that your love is always there, even when you’re not.
Final Thoughts
Parenting is complex, but attachment is built on love, consistency, and attunement. Whether you’re together every day or navigating long-distance parenting, what matters most is that your child feels deeply seen, known, and loved.
Small rituals, intentional transitions, and creative ways of staying connected make all the difference. Love isn’t limited by time or distance—it’s carried in the everyday moments that shape our children’s hearts.
